


The Book

by EmilyWeaslette



Series: Peter Parker Sadness [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Depressed Peter Parker, Depression, Happy Ending?, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Peter Parker, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Self-Harm, Suicidal Peter Parker, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, here's part two, sorta - Freeform, you all asked for it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:53:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28547424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmilyWeaslette/pseuds/EmilyWeaslette
Summary: Peter writes down every mistake he ever makes.When the book is full, he'll kill himself.
Relationships: Peter Parker and Avengers team
Series: Peter Parker Sadness [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1721734
Comments: 29
Kudos: 317
Collections: Read





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Other Book](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1137034) by [Misanagi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misanagi/pseuds/Misanagi). 



> WARNING FOR SUICIDE, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, DEPRESSION, ETC.  
> Also I know this isn't very long, I just saw the story that inspired this one and really wanted to write it before I forgot.

The first time Peter wrote in his journal, he was twelve. He had torn Ben’s favorite picture of his parents, and Ben had yelled at him. 

Peter went to his room and stared at the journal he had gotten for his twelfth birthday. It was a very nice birthday; thick and leatherbound. He slowly picked up the journal and opened it to the first page. 

**MISTAKES** he wrote in big letters. 

He turned to the next page, and on the first line, wrote, _Torn Photo_. 

Maybe if he wrote down every time he made a mistake, he would stop making so many. 

\----------

By the time he turned fourteen. he had filled up nearly a quarter of the book. They were all similar; disappointing someone was a common theme, whether that be Ben, or May, or a teacher. 

Then he was bitten by that spider, and the night after he discovered his powers, he got in a shouting match with Ben. He wanted to go to a party with Ned, and Ben had said no. In his anger, Peter had stormed out into the night. 

Ben had chased after him. 

Ben was shot and killed that night. 

Peter took up four lines with that one, and he made a heavy decision. 

He would only write his serious mistakes in this book from now on. And if he ever reached the end, he’d join Ben. 

\----------

After Peter became Spider-Man, the book began filling quicker. _The Girl_ , he wrote once. _The old lady_. 

Then Mr. Stark recruited him, and _Not Stopping Captain America_ took up nearly half a page. 

_The Ferry_ took up a whole one. 

\-----------

Soon, more and more things were written in the book. 

_Not saving that boy_

_Not being smarter_

_Hacking the suit_

_Ditching Liz at Homecoming_

_Losing Decathlon_

_Yelling at Ned_

_Keeping secrets from May_

_Lying to May_

_Crashing the plane_

_Not dying_

\------------

When Peter turned 16, the book was almost full. There were only about twenty pages left, and Peter wrote nearly every day. 

_Didn’t listen to Mr. Stark_

_Clint got hurt_

_Distracted during fight_

_Punched Steve_

_Failed a test_

_Snuck out to patrol_

_Hacked the suit_

_Civilians died_

_Messed up Mr. Stark’s experiment_

\-----------

On Peter’s 17th birthday, he snapped at Ned. He burned Mr. Stark while they were making his cake. He accidentally hit MJ. He upset Thor. He upset Clint. He wasn’t appreciative enough. He was too selfish. 

Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. 

\----------

On Peter’s 17th birthday, he filled in the last page. 

He thought long and hard about what should be the last line. Finally, he slowly inked it in. 

_Didn’t tell anyone_. 

Peter reached under his bed and grabbed out the pills he had stolen months ago. They were Steve’s pain meds; that one had taken up two pages in the book. 

Even Steve was only allowed to have one pill at a time, because more than that could make him sick, or possibly kill him. 

Peter swallowed the whole bottle. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all asked, so here you go!

When Tony arrived at the Tower on August 10, he was so excited. Peter turned 17 today, and 17 was an incredibly important age. He’d planned a party for Peter. They had made a cake that morning; course, there had been a little hiccup with the oven, which had seemed to upset Peter. He’d left almost immediately, snapping at Thor and Clint on the way out, and apparently walked to school. Tony had meetings all day too, but now it was 6 o’clock, his meetings were over, and it was time for the party. 

It was down in one of the conference rooms. Boring location, he knew, but they’d got it all decorated, all his presents were down there. The team was waiting, along with May, Ned, and MJ. MJ had been uncharacteristically excited for this; she’d gotten Peter a puppy, after getting permission from May and Tony, of course, and was bursting with excitement to give it to him. Now Tony had the most important job; bring Peter down. Tony assumed he was in his room - he’d spent an awful lot of time there lately. 

The door was closed when he got there, and a quick test of the handle told him it was locked. Tony knocked lightly. 

“Pete?” he called softly. “Peter, open up, I’ve got a surprise for you!” 

No response. 

“Peter?” Tony asked again, a bit louder, trying the handle again. Still locked. “Peter, are you in there?” 

Why would the door be locked if Peter wasn’t inside? He wondered. Still, maybe he’d accidentally locked it behind him; that had happened before. Tony wandered throughout the house, looking in every room and calling Peter’s name. It was in the living room he found the battered leather book Peter carried with him everywhere. 

Tony knew it was wrong, but he was curious. Peter had almost had a heart attack when Tony had almost opened it last week, and the parental piece of him was concerned. So, slowly, checking over his shoulder to make sure nobody was coming, Tony picked up the book and opened to the front page. 

It wasn’t a book, he quickly realized, but a journal. One with  **MISTAKES** written in large, bold letters right at the top. 

Tony’s heart dropped as he thumbed through the book.  _ Ben _ , it said.  _ The Ferry. Disappointing Tony. Disappointing May.  _

Tony flipped to the last pages. These must have been from today.  _ Burning Tony. Upsetting Clint. Upsetting Thor. Too selfish. Not appreciative enough _ . 

The last line of the last page.  _ Didn’t tell anyone _ . 

Tony’s heart stopped. His breath hitched. He dropped the book and sprinted back to Peter’s room and began pounding on the door. 

“Peter!” he shouted, yanking on the handle and punching the door. “Peter, open this door! Peter!” 

Tony rammed the door with his shoulder, ignoring the pain that shot down his arm. He rammed it once, twice, three times before it gave, swinging open. 

Peter was laying on the ground by his bed, an empty bottle of Steve’s pain medication in his hand. His skin was pale. 

“No, no, no no no-” Tony gasped, dropping to his knees. “Peter, Peter, what did you do? What did you do?” 

Peter didn’t respond. 

-{}-{}-{}-

The conference room was just below the common floor, the one with everyone’s bedrooms in it. MJ sat at the table, heavily laden with gifts and food, holding the squirming puppy in her arms. 

“Do you think Peter will like her?” she asked Ned. 

“He’ll love her, he’s always wanted a puppy,” Ned assured her. 

“Where is Tony and Peter?” May checked her watch. “He went up there ten minutes ago.” 

“He’ll be down soon,” Steve shrugged it off. “He’s probably trying to drag Peter out of his room.” 

The team laughed lightly, but the laughter was cut short by a loud crash coming from upstairs. Everyone fell silent, looking up at the ceiling. 

“What was that?” Ned asked. 

“I don’t-” Steve said, but once again was cut off. This time by Tony screaming. 

“HELP!” came his strangled screams. “NO, PETER - HELP!” 

Everyone was out of their seats in an instant, sprinting from the room. Nobody bothered with the elevator - they took the stairs two at a time, running harder than they ever had before. 

When they burst into the living room, their hearts stopped. Tony stumbled out of the hallway, an unconscious Peter in his arms. 

“Oh my god, Tony, what happened?” May gasped. 

“Steve -” Tony gasped, crashing into him. “You’re faster - take him to Cho, now!” 

Steve took the teenager from Tony and sprinted away, Tony on his heels. May was steeled to follow when Ned spoke up. 

“May,” he said softly. “May…” 

May turned to look at him, and he gestured down the hall. Everyone went to look. Peter’s door was hanging off its hinges, and rolling slowly into the hallway, apparently kicked by Tony, was a small orange bottle. 

“Oh my god,” May gasped. “Oh my god.” 

-{}-{}-{}-

Four days later, Tony, Ned, May, and MJ sat in chairs around Peter’s bed. He’d been in a coma, and the doctors didn’t know if he’d ever wake up. 

The puppy meant for Peter sat in MJ’s lap. She insisted that she be there, because if, no,  _ when _ Peter did wake up, she wanted to give her to him. Nobody had the heart to tell her no. 

Five days after, nobody had moved. A nurse took the dog out every day, and another brought them food nobody touched. 

Six days after, Tony had fallen asleep, his head on the edge of Peter’s bed. May was asleep on a hard sofa, and Ned and MJ lay together with the puppy on the floor. Six days, after, Tony was awoken by a hand brushing his head, and he sat bolt upright. Six days after, Tony looked at Peter’s sleeping face, and Peter’s doe-brown eyes looked back. 

“Hey, kid,” he croaked. 

Peter’s eyes filled with tears. 

“Hey.” 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on an angst kick tonight I guess.


End file.
